Resilience

Most people desire to be better- to handle their anger better, to perform better as a parent, to deal with setbacks better. They also wish the best for their children so that they will be able to navigate through life and be able to successfully overcome difficult obstacles. Some people have the ability to bounce back from life-changing adversity while others let failure overcome them. What is the secret?  Resilience is the term that describes that ability of an individual to adapt well in the face of adversity, trauma or stress. Being resilient does not mean that a person is free from difficult or distress, nor is it a trait that one possesses. Resilience is a combination of thoughts and behaviors that equip a person to handle life’s challenges; often learnt when faced with emotional distress. Death, retrenchment, bullying and divorce are examples of stressful situations that cause a person extreme uncertainty and distress. Yet ordinary people are able to overcome such situations, and these people demonstrate resilience.

 

FACTORS INFLUENCING RESILIENCE

What are some of the behaviors and thoughts that causes people to bounce back from difficulty? 

A positive outlook on life

This is the belief that good things will happen in life. Optimistic people believe that things will work out for the best in the end, even if the does not look that way in the present. This perspective allows a person not to become overwhelmed- he will realize that although life is tough now, this problem will not always be there and life will become pleasant again. Resilience people tend to have a positive view of themselves, their ability and the world around them. This positive view of their ability is very important because it creates a sense of confidence. People who believe they can effectively deal with life’s ups and downs have what is called “perceived competence”. This belief is based on past experiences of mastery and positive outcomes. When a difficult situation arises, this person will think: “Well, I have overcome some tough situations before, and I will overcome this as well.”

The ability to see failure as a form of helpful feedback

Resilience people tend to use mistakes, failures and criticism to their advantages. Where one person might become demotivated after a setback, a resilient person will think:” I did not know that before! Now I am even more equipped to be successful next time.” A common belief that people hold is that "to fail means be a failure", yet resilient people do not allow failure to rock their sense of self. Part of their success is being able to manage their emotions and impulses. Obviously failure is unpleasant for everyone, but by working through those feelings after a setback, one shows an emotional flexibility which helps one to recover from adversity or trauma.

Effective problem solving

It appears that resilient people are able to resolve problems effectively. They show good problem-solving skills, and tend to focus on achieving mini goals rather than feeling overwhelmed by the enormity of a task. More importantly, resilient people are realistic in their goal setting and achieve more as a result. For example, if there is a big project that needs to be organized, a resilient person might break the project up into daily and weekly goals, and achieve 4 of the 5 daily goals. He feels positive because he was able to complete most of his goals and is therefore motivated to tackle the next day’s goals. Another person will feel overwhelmed and procrastinate or start haphazardly; and days may pass without any feeling of achievement. This is very obviously demotivating and not an effective way of dealing with the project.

WHAT TO DO TO PROMOTE RESILIENCE IN YOUR OWN LIFE

Developing resilience is a personal life-long journey. The first step is to realize that you are not alone in life. Everyone needs encouragement and reassurance at times. Resilient people know when they need to ask for help and to accept help from those who care about them. Burdens often become too heavy when people try to “by strong” by themselves. Recognize those relationships and take time to build into them so that you can care for each other. 

Secondly, perspective determines a great deal. Try to imagine what this setback will mean 5 years later. When we see difficult times as just a season in our lives rather than being insurmountable and never ending, we are able to maintain a positive outlook on life. Accept that changes are a part of life and come to terms with circumstances that you cannot change. Part of facilitating perspective is to develop realistic short-term goals. Having small successes and actively working on the bigger goal creates a sense of mastery, competence and optimism, which are keys to resilience. Lastly, reflections is an important aspect of resilience. Take a moment to notice how you have changed after a setback or a tragedy. Personal growth, confidence and a deeper appreciation for life often occur as a result of those painful moments.

Look for these moments of self discovery. Through reflection on past experiences, one can identify one’s strengths and strategies for coping in times of adversity. Ask yourself the following questions:

·         What kinds of events have been most stressful for me?

·         How have those events typically affect me?

·         To whom have I reached out for support in working through a traumatic or stressful experience?

·         What have I learned about myself and my interactions with others during times?

·         Has it been helpful for me to assist someone else going through a similar experience?

·         Have I been able to overcome obstacles, and if so, how?

·         What has helped to make me feel more hopeful about the future?

Nurturing resilience in children

Like adults, children often need assistance in realizing their inner strength. This inner strength or resilience is what enables children to deal with who have been exposed to trauma or hardship; the capacity to cope and feel competent can be learnt by any child.

Young children have difficulty expressing their anxieties and fears what is happening around them. They are aware of, and influence by, the frightening events and traumas that their parents go through. Watch your child for signs of fear and anxiety. Young children might become extra clingy as they seek reassurance.  They might regress and start wetting the bed or sucking their thumbs as they attempt to feel safe in the face of something they feel is scary. 

In times of stress young children gain strength and security through family time and closeness. Take time to play games and read to them, or just hold them close and be attentive. Stick to the routine, such as a bedtime story, as much as much as possible to help children weather the changes that are occurring.

For primary school children, group affiliation plays a big role in self-esteem. Where teasing and cliques occur, children may experience feelings of isolation and insecurity, and they look to teachers and parents to make them feel safe and worthwhile. Protection is the key word at this age. When you talk to your primary school child, answer his questions honestly, and always with reassurance. Children see things as black or white at this age, so statements such as “ I will always take care of you” provide a great deal of security for them. When there is a situation outside the home that causes fear and uncertainty, limit the amount of news they are exposed to as the will fuel their fears.   

Self- care is an important skills for older primary school children to develop. Teach your child to eat properly, exercise, to take time to rest and have fun. In times of stress, It is children who know how to care for themselves who are able to continue functioning, even if it is difficult. Additionally, self-care brings routine and balance to a child’s life, which can also be soothing in uncertain times. 

Another way to nurture resilience in primary school children is to put yourself in their shoes. Trying to empathize with what your child is going through, makes him feel safe and understood. This is the basis for the loving, social support which helps children bounce back from hardship quickly. If your child is angry or hurting and lashing out, being understood and supported in those moments help him cope. At the same time though, it is important to use such opportunities to teach perspective. Help your children to see the bigger picture, and to realize that there is a positive and bright future beyond the current situation. 

Be their cheerleader! Resilient children tend to have a role model or adult who believes in this worth. Create a relationship where love and acceptance flourish so that the children feel special and worth while this fosters a sense of competence and optimism that will help him feel hopeful and confident in times of stress. Take time to promote their strengths and develop their talents in order to build self- confidence. Help your child to remember ways that he was successfully handled hardships in the past and then help him understand that these past challenges can help him build the strength to handle future challenges.

Teenagers often resist parental interventions, but they are faced with many normal uncertainties and fears. Being available to talk is one of the best strategies to nurture resilience and help teenagers. Sometimes the best time to talk is when you are doing something together, such as driving in the car or doing shopping, so that your teenagers can focus on something else rather than "the talk". Be aware that teenagers want to be understood, so ask their opinion about what is happening and listen to their answers.

 Teenagers have some difficult decisions to make there are career choices, relationships choices, and many other big decisions that affects their lives. Teach your teenager good problems-solving and decision making skills. By modeling how it is done, teenagers will learn that a problem needs to be defined, options considered and taken actions and that decisions made on a whim can have negative results. Realistic goal setting and accomplishing is very rewarding to a child, and creates the success experiences necessary for perceived competence. For example, break down a large school assignment into small, manageable projects. Help them recognize that mistake will happen but that it does not make a person a failure. In summary, resilience is the ability to bounce back from adversity or trauma. There is no special secret that allows some people to overcome difficult circumstances. Rather it is a way of thinking and behaving that equips people to move on better. By focusing on these skills parents can equip their children to handle life’s ups and downs, as well as teach them how to achieve the gals they set for themselves.

Reference: Visser. D. October  2012. Resilience. Edunews. 20-23.