EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

We now know there are many aspects that make up intelligence. Emotional intelligence, also referred to as EQ or EI, is said by some to be a great predict of success than QI. How awesome that we are not defined by the marks we achieve at school! I like to think it is our attitude that predicts success.

EI is about self-awareness of others and relationships with others. Isn’t that what life is about? We are part of the whole. We don’t function in isolation and it would be wise to set to ourselves up for success by developing skills which grow EI. EI is the ability of an individual to recognize, understand, regulate and use their emotions. The degree to which I am able to do that will determine how successfully I move through my day.

Dr John Demartini has to say about emotions:” The degree to which you are able to balance your emotions, is the degree to which you will master your life.” In order for parents and teachers to educate our children emotionally, it would be wise for us to examine and work on ourselves first. It would be wise for us to be in touch with our emotions. Are we great role models for our children and our learners? Are we in touch with our feelings, can we recognize what we are feeling, what others are feeling and are we able to manage our emotions in a healthy way?

The very child in our classroom who pushes all our buttons is the child that can shift us from being an average to being a great teacher. No easy task, but who said it would be easy to be a teacher or a parent?

As parents, we may value only what we perceive as positive emotions, for example being happy, cheerful, smiling, enthusiastic etc. We avoid, disown, show our displeasure or shut down at owning and using what we perceive as “negative” for example, anger, frustration, rejection, and anxiety. What many experts tell us is that t would be wise to acknowledge all emotions without labelling them good or bad. Every emotion serves if used in a beneficial way. Anger serves when a person is attacked .Anxiety serves when we prepare for a presentation as it can motivate us to prepare well, to do our very best. Our ability to recognize, understand, regulate, and use our emotions will assist us in moving in the direction of using that emotion. We are able to channel the emotion the energy the direction of creating a situation that would be beneficial. We understand that we are co-creators of our reality as we move from reacting to creating; from reaction to creation. Some letters, different order, I just love it!

EI is thinking in a different order. It is opportunity to move from low-order reacting to higher-order thinking.

As parents and teachers, it would be wise to see the benefits of this higher-order thinking. It would be wise for us to value and nurture compassion, kindness, empathy and healthy relationships.

Recognize and own your feelings and then do something with that feeling that moves you in the direction of a better outcome. I could for example state,” I don’t like a mess. I feel frustrated /angry /upset/ disappointed when I see a mess. Do you have some ideas of how to get the reading cornet tidy again?” This means that I am taking responsibility for my feelings and doing something in a calm manner that will get the result I want - a tidy reading corner!

Event + Response = Outcome.

It is not what happens to us but how we respond that will determine the outcome. Think about that! What a valuable lesson it is. This equation has popped into mind many times as my buttons were pushed. The practice, the more I feel successful in creating the result or the outcome I want. What I am feeling and why, means I get to co-create my life as I choose my response. That is empowering. As I demonstrate different responses like compassion, respect, empathy, kindness, being a good listener, sensitivity to others’ feelings and perspectives, children is able to see and experience the benefits and model of that response. I get to teach children by walking the talk! There is a wonderful saying:

 Behaviour is caught, not taught.

Today many parents still place a huge amount of importance and value on academic and intellectual goals. They put their heart, souls and huge amounts of money into helping their children reach these goals. This isn’t wrong, but I believe we need to shift in the direction of valuing EI and looking for ways to grow EI. There are many practical and simple ways to do so and they don’t cost lots of money. You will have to make time to reflect on your own behaviour as well as make quality time for your children to grow EI. For example, make friends with your local librarian. Find out which books are great for communicating feelings and emotions. Before and after reading, ask questions. Ask your child, “How do you know that a child is sad, happy, excited, nervous, anxious, disappointed, angry, fearful, scared, etc.? What can you tell from the look on his face? How would that make you feel? What do you think he should do? What would you do? I remember when I was disappointed, sad, lonely, etc. I chose to…. and that helped me feel happier.” You can also use a magazine, to ask similar questions!

Television programmers, DVDs, music and arts pieces can all assist in developing EI. Setting guidelines, agreements and boundaries will help your child to know what is appropriate and what is not.” I can see you are feeling frustrated. In this house we don’t smack when we are frustrated. Would you like to go into the yard and blow bubbles or bounce the ball against the wall till all that frustration leaves you? You choose.” Providing a choice is a good thing .There is never just one way to respond. Our children need to learn that.

So how are you going to measure how smart your child is? Where are you going to place your highest value? On academic achievements alone? The invitation extended to us as teachers and parents is to value EI, as it is a great predictor of success in life. Let’s grow it together. We can make ourselves happy. It is a choice and I personally find that very empowering and exciting!

Lighton. R. August, 2012.Emotional Intelligence.Edunews, 22-24