Teen Parenting

Teen Parenting

Parenting a teen can be quite a challenge, but it is not an unconquerable one. What is required is a positive mindset and ongoing efforts. Unfortunately there is no quick fix.  We first need to explore the importance of the parent-teen relationship, because parenting and discipline can only be as effective as the relationship in which it takes place.

This means that the first step to parenting, not just with teens but with children in general, is to work on maintaining a good relationship. Remember that teens have a need to assert themselves and thus need your guidance, which you can only give effectively if your teen is open with you and feels comfortable with you. A good relationship can be achieved by showing interest in your teen and his activities, giving positive reinforcements and being open with him. It is  important to learn  how  to listen  effectively, to decode what your teen is trying  to say to you (what the  underlying meaning is),to express negative feelings appropriately, to learn to use  the ‘I-message’  (which improves cooperation and effective parental boundary setting) and  to be  assertive with him.

Listening is an important skill. Which can be difficult when you are rushed ,tend to give advise  too quickly or when  you cut off feelings. Listening actually entails taking  your time, making eye contact, trying to withhold giving advice until it  is asked for and allowing  the other  person to finish  talking  before responding, it is  worthwhile  to invest in practicing learn. Positive communication builds positive relationships.

Studies have shown that positive parental socialization contributes to the shaping of adolescent sexual behavior, as parents exert significant influence on the sexual risk-related beliefs, attitudes and behaviors of their children. It is important to recall the information given behaviors given in the previous article and to keep this in mind namely that parents need to maintain a delicate balance between permitting too much freedom  and being intrusive.

In order for teens to be successful on their journey forwards they need to have a positive sense of the self, and a good self-esteem, which is the cornerstone of mental health. Thus assisting your teen in developing a good self –esteem is important needless to say, a teen that feels good about him/her is more open to discussions regarding sensitive topics as he feels less threatened. Facilitating a good self-esteem can thus lead to an improved parent-teen relationship.

ASSISTING YOUR TEEN’S DEVELOPMENT OF A POSITIVE SELF-ESTEEM 

·         Examine your own self-esteem. If you feel good about yourself, you will be a more appropriate role model for your teen. Your self-esteem also influences the way in which you react to your teen. This means that if you are struggling to accept yourself and your teen starts to exert his independence, it may feel like rejection. These feelings can then influence further communication. It is important for the parents to work on having and maintaining a good self-esteem.

·         Explore the feelings that you have towards your teen. Has he disappointed you by not following in your footsteps or the path that you have envisioned for him? For teens to develop a good self-esteem parents need to let them be who they are meant to be or who they choose to be. As parents you need to accept teens for who they are and to work with their vision, not yours! Just imagine the entire negative message you could be sending to your teens and what may this do to their self-esteem, simply because they are following a path different from what you desire.

·          A very honest question that parents need to ask themselves is: “Am I reviling my own hopes and dreams through my teen?” This can have many consequences, most likely negatives ones. A  teen can learn  to live life  for  others ,which does not lead  to fulfillment ,and  in the end  the parents starts basing his  happiness on the  teen. What happens if the teen leaves home at the end of school and starts his own life? Where does this leave the parent? This most definitely does not lead to a healthy self-esteem.

·         Let go of rigid rules. Boundaries need to be age-appropriate and thus need to be reviewed from time to time as the child develops. Too many rules can be restrictive and lead to negative feelings such as frustration and rebellion. Rigid rules also make it  more difficult for teens to  proactively practice  their  independence, which they need too do  in order  to lead  their  own  life  successfully. Is this not what you want for him?

·         Be aware not to be too punitive or too harsh, as this can crush or stunt a healthy development of the self. Furthermore this can lead to frustration and rebellion; you may actually push your child away!

·         Make time to connect to your teen’s world. By making the effort to be interested in his life you are  sending  him a very  curial message –he  matters  to you ! This provides him with validation for his self -esteem. Talking, listening and being available can already make a very important contribution. Showing an interest in your  teen’s  hobbies and activities indicates that you care. This means that parents will have to, at times, be prepared to explore new things and even things that do not really interest them. The above mentioned does not only contribute to the development of a positive self-esteem, but it also aids in building a positive relationship between the two or three of you.

·         Be aware of your prejudices and projections regarding how your teen should react and behave. Sometimes you can project feelings and expectation on him, and he, in turn can feel suffocated. This can stunt the development of a healthy self-esteem. Furthermore it can lead to pent-up feelings, frustrations and even battlefields as the teen is prevented from being himself.

·         Try also to be less rushed and stressed. Often teens and children in general will disclose that their parents do not have time for them. Implying that they are not really important to you, the parents. This can be perceived as a lack of support and acceptance. The children also often feel that they do not want to be a burden to their parents.

·         Teens need to feel that they are all right, that their choices, opinions, and feelings are acceptable and that parents are genuinely interested in them despite their choosing their own path. This will lead to a secure and firm core belief of self-esteem. To feel accepted and of value can actually also prevent peer pressure.

·         It is important of praise and encourage. Try to acknowledge what your teen can do well; do not only focus on negative comments. Instead of saying: “You are gorgeous in that outfit, “say something like: “That colour really suits you well and makes your eyes stand out more. “ Descriptive comments give more detail and sound more believable. They also guide your teen to what works and what does not.

A POSITIVE SELF-ESTEEM IS AN ENORMOUS GIFT YOU CAN GIVE YOUR TEEN AND THUS WORTHWHILE TO INVEST IN!

Remember that some children are born with a positive self-esteem, and they are mostly motive, energetic ad enthusiastic. Some children, however, are not born with this inheriting ability. Self-acceptance comes into play here, as well as the fact that one does not need to be an extrovert to have   a good self-esteem. Self-acceptance entails accepting who you are and what you can not easily change, but also knowing and exploring who you are and learning to manage it. In essence self-esteem is a quiet sense  of self-respect. Conceit is something completely different, as with self-esteem you do not need to impress others with who you are.

Reference: Dr. Burkhardt. K, October 2009. Teen Parenting. Edunews. 34-36.